I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
