I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
