I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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