I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
