I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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