i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
