grandma shit on top of the toilet
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
