singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
