I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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