I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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