I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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