Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
