ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
