Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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