Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
