so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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