somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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