We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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