your room smells of hookers.
And success
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
