it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
