I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
