i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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