I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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