How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
