You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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