chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
