I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
