nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
