Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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