If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
