You made me cry and you don't even care
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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