how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
