im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
