when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
