I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
