you guys were way drunker than both of me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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