If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
