I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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