do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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