get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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