then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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