I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
