everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
