My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
