When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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