I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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