My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
