I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
