he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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