two words: eviction party
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
