I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
