What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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