No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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