Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
