That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
