if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
