he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm at about main and main street
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
