I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
