Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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