chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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