I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
