I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
